Beautiful

Well this is terribly embarrassing, but my niece nominated me to post 5 pictures I feel beautiful in. She's 14 and that's what 14 year olds are allowed to do. Every picture they post is beautiful. I'm over the age of 30 and my body has gone through a few changes since I was 14. When I open the front lens of my camera phone by accident, things get ugly. There is usually screaming and tears.  However, I thought it would be a good time to sit down and have a heart to heart about beauty. Teachable moments, amiright? 

Before you think it's just going to be a parade of hotness, read to the end. Without further ado, my 5 pictures. 

1.

I'll start out simply. I look good in this picture. It's okay to admit that once in a while. I'm a blushing bride wearing the fanciest dress I have ever worn. Hair and make-up done to suit the day. I'm wearing a tiara for goodness sake. I got a man that loves me and 200 people ready to gush and tell me how pretty I look. And....they would be right. But it was one day. And that one day does not make ME beautiful.

2.

Dear Friends look lovely together, don't they? We were giddy and joyful and best of all - together. But friends don't make a person beautiful. 

3.

More beautiful friendship and a 2nd generation friend (Mandy's baby!). And to be perfectly honest, I like this picture because I look skinny. I look skinny because I was breastfeeding at that time and my baby literally sucked the life and 25 pounds out of me. It didn't last. But "skinny" isn't what makes one beautiful, is it? 

4. 

Tan fat looks better than pale fat, as my wise mother says. Here I am tan and perhaps some might think that is beautiful, but I look at this picture and think I look chubby. Perhaps you do too. But it doesn't really matter what you think, does it? Your opinion doesn't make me beautiful.

5. 

You may think, "But Cassie, surely motherhood makes you beautiful?" Here's me looking my worst. But I felt dang good. I mean, strong and joyful and scared. What a wonderful and dreadful moment labor and childbirth was! But children don't make a woman beautiful. There are beautiful women without children.

I have had all the things the world calls beautiful. A hot bod (that I didn't know I had until it was gone). A loving husband. Darling children. Fabulous friends. Great jobs. But NOT ONE of those things makes me beautiful. And I am so relieved that they don't! They can all be taken away in a breath. 

On my own, I am not beautiful. Not even inwardly, most days. 

There's this verse in the Bible, in 1 Peter, chapter 3. It says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...Rather it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 

I chuckle to myself when I read that verse, because I am not gentle and my spirit is NOT quiet. Left to it's own devices, my old spirit is a hot mess.

But God has made it new through Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17) And He makes all things beautiful in HIS time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11) Praise the LORD. 

So, my dear Aubrey, the world will tell you are pretty (because you are)! And the world will tell you that you are ugly (because the world is mean)! But it doesn't matter. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. 

And I can tell you, He is growing a beautiful heart in you. Your love for Him is evident and radiates out to others. I'm proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Thank you for allowing your heart to be an example to mine.

Hack Job

Our family of four lives in a 2 bedroom apartment.

I know, based on my designer duds and well-groomed appearance, one would think we live in a cozy 5 bed/4 bath rambler in the 'burbs. However, we do not.

Now, you may be picturing a few things. Let me clarify. If you are picturing us living in an adorable brownstone with hardwood floors and eclectic, funky furniture...you would be wrong. If you are picturing us living in a newly renovated townhome with a private lawn...you would be wrong. And if you are picturing us living in a crumbling building fit for an episode of Law and Order, you would also (thank goodness) be wrong.

We live in a good ol' boring apartment building with a lovely (shared) front lawn and laundry down the hall.

Again, you may be thinking a few things.

"Are they poor?" Hey, rude. That's none of your business. But since you asked, no we are not.

"Oh, they must be doing one of those social experiments. Or like...trying to reduce their carbon footprint."  Aw, that's nice of you to think highly of us. But no. We are not.

The truth is the G-man and I both went to a private college. Good times. Good, expensive times. Hence, at the moment, we are working toward paying off our debts and living within our means. If you are wondering, that IS as fun as it sounds. So there's some background for you.

We have spent our married life in apartments. And we have never made one totally homey, since we always feel rightatthecusp! of an upgrade. But I have learned to be grateful for what we do have, since we have much to be thankful for and many others would be pleased as punch to have a home of any kind. With that in mind, we may need to make some small changes to make our apartment a home and to be good stewards of what we've been given. And I have been getting a kick out of the suggestions online.

The articles reel me in with the "Make Your Itty Bitty Space Feel Like a Home" titles. I click EVERY. TIME. And then instead of finding ideas, I just have a giggle.

Here's my version of a similar article.

Tip 1: Build a wall from pallets you found in the garbage to give the appearance of more rooms. You will now have a formal dining room in addition to a breakfast nook. Actually, you know what? Just knock out the neighbor's wall and you'll have twice the space.

Tip 2: Triple bunk your beds with your children's beds. This will give you an extra room for a play room. You NEED a playroom. You have children. What made you think you could live in an apartment with small people and their toys? Also note: Keep your playroom pristine or it will begin to look cluttered, darling.

Tip 3: If you don't have built-ins around your TV, build some with some repurposed barn doors. Ignore management's position on large holes in wall and painting. They'll give your deposit back once they see this stunning display.

See also: DIY Crown Molding

Tip 4: Turn your only closet into an office / reading nook. It's SO important to have a "Me Space" not a "We Space."

Tip 5: Ignore the first four tips. You should buy a house. Or build one! With pallets!!! It's smaller than your apartment and doesn't have electricity or plumbing. But you're a homeowner now. Congratulations!

It's Only Going to Get Worse...

Have you ever had this conversation?

You're chatting with someone about being newly pregnant. They ask you how you are feeling and you share that you are queasy in the mornings and hormonal. And without hesitation they reply, "Just wait until the end of your pregnancy. You'll be so uncomfortable..it's only going to get worse."

In other words: "Invest in a flame retardant suit. Because this is the hell that is your life and you're never getting out."

Picture a little further down the road, when your fussy 2 month old just won't sleep or eat or poop the way you'd like them to. You've dragged your tired butt to church, even though you would have liked to skip it and have leaky boobs in the comfort of your own home. And the seasoned mother next to you with wisdom in her eyes turns and says, "Just wait until they are toddlers. It's only going to get worse."

Then those babies become toddlers. And your co-worker tells you grade schoolers are worse. "Enjoy your kids while they are little and you can still put them in time out."

Well, as we know those toddlers become grade schoolers. Those grade schoolers become tweens and teens and college students, and on and on and on.

I was once that green-hued, sickly pregnant mother. I was the leaky breasted mom at church fantasizing about formula. I AM the mother of a toddler and pre-schooler who push my buttons on the daily. And I have stood on the edge of the pool of insanity, grasping for anything, just trying not to fall in. And with your "It only gets worse" comment, I gave up and tumbled into the murky waters. 

When our daughter was an infant, I struggled with post partum anxiety and depression. Of course, I hid this from the general public for a time and appeared to be a functioning member of society. Perhaps people would have been a titch more sensitive had they known. However, during that period, I heard "It's only going to get worse" more than I care to remember when I talked about my cranky baby. So I resigned myself to believe that parenting is a prison. An 18-year sentence. And hey, on the bright side, I had it better than most in the penitentiary --  I still had access to Netflix.

But then a funny thing happened, to the surprise of generations of parents before us...things got better. Our little girl grew out of her baby-rage phase. She started to respond to us with smiles and love. I came out of my anxiety (with help).

So we've got four years under our belt now with two kids. And there have been difficult moments, days, weeks, and stages when I wanted to lock myself in a room (with a beach and a book) and pretend I wasn't a mom. There will be more ahead. But despite the fact that folks around us think that parenting is a pit of despair that only a trip to college can get us out of, we have had a lot of joy. AND THERE WILL BE MORE AHEAD.

Parenting might get harder. In fact, I can almost guarantee it will. I'm dreading school bullies, technology battles, and conversations about "sexting." But through those, there can be joy and most certainly a whole lot of grace from the Lord. And He allows us to grow as parents as our children grow. The challenges might be bigger, but so is our parenting tool box. And I hope that in your box you will find a tool you can share with your new-parent friend -- ENCOURAGEMENT!

Put the snide remark away and replace it with, "You can do this. You will get through this. And there will be so much joy. It will all be worth it." And also, "Can I hold your baby while you go change your shirt? You're disgusting."

Time Warp

(Originally written on July 14, 2015.)

You may recall, I wrote about being a working mom and the questions people often have for me. Since being laid off in June, I've once again noticed a strange phenomenon happening when people first hear that I am temporarily without work.

The world turns black and white. I am suddenly wearing a polka dot cotton house dress and pearls, my hair perfectly coiffed. And my neighbor/grocer/nurse at the doctor's office/whoever is before me bats his or her eyes upon hearing I am unemployed and says "Well golly, that's terrific!" 

That's right, we've traveled back in time. 

I know that we have entered a time warp because, after sharing I have been laid off, the first sentences from conversationalists after "I'm sorry" have been:

"That's so great that you get to spend more time with your kids."

"I suppose you'll be staying home with your kids now, huh?" 

"What a wonderful opportunity to watch your kids grow up." 

"Now you can be a full-time mom!" 

Then there's the awkward part of the conversation where I mumble the words severance, daycare, finances, looking-for-a-new-position....

And here's the reality...will you join me in 2015 again?

How awkward would it be if my husband were laid off and he got those same comments? When a father is laid off, do we assume he is going to become a stay-at-home dad? No, we assume he will make job-searching his new full-time job. 

And so it is with me, a mother looking for work:

I have continued to send my kids to daycare to maintain consistency in their schedule and to give me ample time to find a new job. If they are home, I have about one hour per day to look. (Job searching should take about 30-40 hours per week.) Being laid off has given me more time with my kids. In an I-feel-guilty-that-I'm-not-looking-for-a-job-on-a-weekday, what-if-I'm-missing-job-postings, my-patience-is-short-because-I'm-so-stressed-out kind of way. And those opportunities have come up because daycare was closed, not because I have created them.

On those days, I am staying home with my kids. However, sudden and unexpected unemployment was not the "opportunity" my husband and I were looking for in order for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Being laid off did not cause us to look at our finances for the first time and say, "What have we been doing? We can TOTALLY afford to live off of Gerrit's income! I can't believe we never knew!" You may have guessed that being unemployed can come with a lot of financial questions....even if *gasp* you're a woman!

Finally, the other working-outside-the-home moms and I have ALWAYS been full-time moms and we ARE watching our kids grow up...too fast. Just like our stay-at-home mom companions. While we're on that, can we ban the term "full-time mom?" It's hurtful. 

And so dear friends, let us learn together. When you feel yourself about to pull a phrase from your 1947 edition of "A Guide to Comforting Friends," just pause. Take a breath. And simply say, "I'm so sorry. That really sucks." I might even recommend, for my God-fearing friends, to leave out the phrase, "I'll pray for you." Instead, go home and pray. And AFTER you have prayed, tell your friend, "I prayed for you today." No empty promises, but instead a reminder of a faithful Friend (not you, silly. You're so vain. God is our Friend.)

There ya have it. No assumptions of current life situations. No time-warping. No empty promises. Easy-peasy. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my pumps and make a pot roast.

Questions for the Working Mother

(Originally posted on March 21, 2015.)

The following is a sample of a conversation I frequently have when getting to know new people outside of work:

REAL CONVERSATION:

Me: My name is Cassie. My husband is Gerrit. 

Newbie: Nice to meet you. Who are these little people?

Me: These are our kids, Adeline and Reyer. 

Newbie: What do you and your husband do?

Me: My husband is an IT Manager and I am an Team Assistant. 

Newbie: Do you work full time? 

Me: Yup. 

Newbie: Oh....huh...... What do your kids do while you're at work?

Me: They go to a daycare that we really like. 

Newbie: Wow, that must be really hard to drop them off. 

Me: Yes, but they are very social, so that makes it easier, knowing they enjoy it. 

Newbie: Do you think you'll stay home one day? 

Me: I would, but it's not an option right now or any time soon. 

Newbie: You must be so busy. How do you do it all? 

Me: Ha! I don't. You should see my bathroom. 

And then we laugh and laugh.....

HOW I WOULD LIKE TO ANSWER:

Me: My name is Cassie. My husband is Gerrit. 

Newbie: Nice to meet you. Who are these little people?

Me: These are our kids, Adeline and Reyer. 

Newbie: What do you and your husband do?

Me: My husband is an IT Manager and I am a Team Assistant.

Newbie: Do you work full time?

Me: Well, I sure do! Can you believe it? Sometimes they even let me use the computer at work.

Newbie: Oh....huh....What do your kids do while you're at work? 

Me: Oh my gosh....I don't even know. Am I supposed to provide childcare for them? We usually leave them home and hope for the best. 

Newbie: Wow, that must be difficult to leave them all day. 

Me: No, it feels good shutting my heart off when I walk out the door. But the uncomfortable business casual outfit makes up for it.

Newbie: Do you think you'll stay home one day? 

Me: No way. Kids are gross. I just had them for the tax benefits.

Newbie: You must be so busy. How do you do it all? 

Me: Drugs....so many drugs. 

Alas, I cannot answer the way I would like to because it would be rude...just like the intrusive, pointed questions. 

Here's what I find interesting:

1. No one asks these questions of Gerrit. "Do you work full time?" and "What do your kids do while you are at work?" would be odd questions to ask a man. Why? 

2. Women, and I think Christian women in particular, are somewhat expected to stay home at some point in their child's young life. However, the woman so many others look to as an example in the Bible is the Proverbs 31 woman, who was herself a working mom. The Bible says she rose early to sell her goods, she bought and sold property, she supervised servants, she kept her home in working order, and was called blessed by her husband and children. 

All mothers are working mothers.

Throughout history, there have been many mothers (and fathers), who love their kids and who stay home with their children. That's amazing! What a great opportunity! 

AND there have been many mothers (and fathers), who love their kids and who go to work either because of financial necessity or because of a desire to be in the workforce. That's amazing! What a great opportunity!

So, dear friends, let's stop asking the intrusive questions of strangers. Let's support one another through healthy choices made and healthy choices made for us. 

Hi, Friend.

I'm Cassie. I love my Lord, my family, and my friends. I married Gerrit at the wee age of 22, before my cerebral cortex was fully developed. Against those odds, I picked a good one and still like him. I think he likes me too. We have a preschooler and a toddler - both are smart, sweet, and naughty. I work for a large corporation where my work will never reach your products. You're welcome. I enjoy reading, patriotism, sensible underwear, macaroni and cheese with ketchup, coffee, taking all the naps!!!!, and learning what it means to transform from an extrovert to an introvert. I'm not crafty, good with budgets or meal planning. But I have the lesser known spiritual gift of "sass" and I decided I better use what the Lord gave me. And so...I blog.